i am writing this just to let out everything at the moment .. and lessen the pain atleast.i am hurting.. and the pain is just too much to bear. i dont have anyone to turn to. the rest of the world is already dreaming while here i am , in a nightmare while wide awake..its past 3 in the morning ..i just slept the whole day and now i am again back to this nightly routine for 3 nights now.. no not just for 3 nights, ive been like this all this time, just these past nights had some twist..i miss my dad and my dady..sooo badly..the former can be consoled coz theres nothing i can do about it anymore .. what hurts the most is the latter. its his choice not mine. his choice to make me suffer and learn the lesson this way. and i guess i found the very lesson of it - i have to fix myself first. i have become an emotional wreck lately that i tend to snap it out on other people, pointing blames and regret it later.it was all my fault i know.i am so sorry for reacting on impulse. i am just so scared that all i need is for you to understand.. i am not totally healed yet i guess.. from everything.. that even my home is haunting me. the past is running after me. i cannot even find solace in the four corners of my room..loud music, big pillows over my head, shout out loud and cry my heart out..i am tired.. my head felt like cracking already.. my eyes could hardly see the letters i am typing.. its already painful and too much puffed.. cant fight the tears and it sucks tasting it..there was this person who made me feel that i am never alone ( only for the meantime) but i guess i am being unfair for holding on to him too much because of that loneliness.he can only give me light so its unfair to ask him for the sun.
i am sorry for this mess i got you into. i am sorry for not being the best of me when you found me..
i am realy wrecked inside..totally broken.. i guess i need to go away first and get that old Chelly back. that old me everyone used to love. the complete me. it wud be too much of an unfairness if i try to be whole again thru somebody. i cant ask him to understand me all the time while i am fixing myself up.. now i know why i am having a hard time sharing a part of me with someone else. i always have hold bars. maybe its because how could an incomplete me impart herself to somebody who doesnt even know which part of her is ruined.. i miss my old self too.. and it hurts like hell.. that to withdraw from the world is my only choice.. nobody really knew me.. i even confuse myself sometimes. i wanna keep myself busy but i am just tired of pretending when at the end of the day, the shadows are still there.. i am sorry for dragging you into this.i love you so much that it hurts me more knowing i hurt you too..sorry for the doubts.. so sorry for everything..u just made me realize one thing. its not about you. neither about someoneelse nor other people. there’s nothing wrong with the world either . its me..the depths of me .. and for that i need to go away. i dont know until when and where this would take me but id be pretty fine i know. it just takes time.. no one can heal me but me and myself alone.. it would be unfair to offer you the second best of me only..this isnt goodbye yet.. i just need to find my old self back.. and maybe.. just maybe.. after that- u could love me better- the whole of me..
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