UNTITLED

which is which?

WHICH IS WHICH?
Fight for your love or set them free?
WHICH IS RIGHT?
Forgive then forget or forget then forgive?
WHAT IS REALLY RIGHT?
I love you because I need you or I need you because I love you?
SHOULD IT BE?
To see is to believe or believe when you see it?
DOES IT HAVE TO BE?
Action speaks louder than words but still words hurt more than action.
IS IT?
Love for a reason or the reason is love?

uncertainties

if u asked me to .. =[
hay =[  why it has to be that complicated? life’s twists and turns sometimes can be all too confusing .. but who am i to question life’s complexities?
why do we have to deal with our emotions so badly , why cant it be just like dealing with your cranky professors and brain-wracking law subjects? it could have been a lot easier.
cant  it be just as simple as meeting the perfect man, go for him, then learn to love him later ? instead of meeting this man , love him in an instant then go for him even if he’s far from being the perfect one you have been dreaming all your life? =[
i love life. i love the feeling of being in love. i love to give every possible thing a shot..but ironically, i hate uncertainties.
life. so frustrating. ( sigh! )

limited edition

BOYS become MEN when they:
Follow you when you walk out, call you back when you hang up, hug you tight when you punch them, kiss you when you nag, watch chick-flicks with you, tolerate your crying over love stories, hand you the remote, pass on booze night just to listen to your ranting, don’t flare up when you give car directions, says i’m sorry and tells you he needs you..
someone who holds your hands most of the time, one who’s not afraid to say he would be a total mess without you, someone who can just simply look into your eyes giving you the sweetest feeling you could ever imagine, someone who’s not ashamed to tell you he loves you even in front of his friends.. just someone.. who calls you  his life, his everything .. =[
Now i can tell, that men are seldom..sort of LIMITED EDITION =P

confusion

I don’t have a problem meeting men, but I seem to attract all the WRONG GUYS. Why is this?

I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t feel like getting back out there and get serious again. How do I get myself to a place where I can open up to a man again and go about this?

I’d love to be with a great guy and enjoy a close and loving relationship… but there don’t seem to be any good single guys around.

yes,you meet a guy, you feel a strong level of chemistry and connection for him, and you get involved with him.

Then comes your first mistake-

Only AFTER THE FACT, once you’ve already

become totally into him you do realize that you’re simply heading nowhere =[ and it is indeed a total WHACK upside the head for you.

I DON’T believe that men are afraid of real relationships.Not at all.

I believe that men simply don’t care much about relationships until they feel and experience that intense flood of EMOTIONS that takes over their body and mind.

That flood of feelings and emotions that takes over a man’s thoughts and desires, and would be capable of literally causing a man to do a complete 180 degree turn away from his prior wants and beliefs.

MEN ARE SIMPLY MEN. no more , no less ..

i am in pain

Sometimes when u thought you almost got everything and that there’s nothing else you ought to be but be happy, just when reality strikes — THAT YOU REALLY AREN’T WHAT U THINK U R..
that you aren’t just not as happy as what u think..
how i wish m just like any other typical girl who wud just worry their lovelives, what they’re gonna wear the next day, how do they look, whats gonna be the next color of their nails, their hairstyle, where’s the next night-out or simply worry if the guy they like likes them back?..
wishes..
wishes wishes..
my life’s just too complicated. the more i  tried to get untangled the more the knot gets tighter.
i dnt want the world to see me like this..
why cant i just be simply happy?
i am scared..just so scared..
that because of this fear i tend to get overprotective of myself and worst, i tend to hurt the people who just cared for me a lot..
i miss my dad..
i stil cry at night.. i fear being alone but i think its the only way to make me feel safe..
it makes me feel bad instead, when people tell me they envy my life..they dont knw..they just dnt knw..
sometimes, i hate myself when i laugh out loud. so tired with such hypocrisy..
i know a lot of people love me, i can always feel i am loved.. and i love them back for that..
i just cnt let go of myself and embrace them back for being there for me..
i just cnt simply be there for them too..
i wanna be home..but i wanna know first where that home is..i just dont know..
all i know is i only have myself, i only got me to lean on..
i know i have pushed a lot of people away  when all they wanna do is stay and be with me..
but until i learn to love myself a lil more and can finally say i love “me” more than anybody else? then, this way i have to stay.
i thought i have always known what i really want .but im absolutely wrong . just so wrong..
i die a lil everyday..
something’s just pulling me through..
i wanna be in loud places [ just to forget everything] but i hate being there too.. i hate those people who could only care less with what the world’s gonna say..
i felt so bad everytime i convince myself that i can always manage and just let those people come and go.. how i wish i could have at least the tiniest guts to ask them to stay even just for a lil while.. i just cant.. it gives me the creeps thinking they could possibly be happier somewhere else and i am just holding them back.. when in fact all they want is simply be with me?
and the more i drive them away, the more they keep on coming back , and the more they keep coming back, the more scared i felt?
i just cant handle the truth.. the truth that i can also be happy with them..
just dont know how to deal with it..
i just contain myself with the idea that a fleeting moment with someone is already enough when there could have been  more to that..
.. everything just keeps on haunting me..
i dont know why i am writing these all..i dont even understand what i really feel coz all i wanna understand is how must i feel..
this couldnt be happening but too bad it is..
this is just the reality of me..
and i am in pain.. with one deep cut inside.. ; (

rainy days make me sick

again&again, my toughest ordeal&worst turmoil — fighting this feeling– of missing someone you could no longer even touch. you can only feel his presence from somewhere and you just dont know whether to cry or smile…this heart-twisting&chest-wrenching feeling that i dont know when i could totally get thru..
i wanna get past thru it, just that,during down times, you cant help turning to  that someone you knew who would be more than loving to stand with you thru anything,and more than willing to face everything ahead of you in order to spare you from whatever it is that you’d possibly have a hard time facing with..who could have been there all thru out had he been given the chance to..had he been here still, had his time was not yet over, had he been given more days to spend with me..with us.. until we’d be finally ready to let him go.. but God knew too that there would never come a time that we’d be ready for it, and i know it pains Him too knowing that i’d be totally wrecked by what He’s about to do, and yet there could be no other choice.. its either my pain, or that someone’s pain.. and it pains me more seeing him that way so might as well surrender him to Him.. question is - why didnt He think of giving me more strength upon doing that? i am strong, yes. but just not strong enough to keep me going without making my journey a lot heavier by always looking back from time to time and wishing&crying&eventually fall down again&again..
rainy days make me feel sick. it makes me think of this one person i wud be willing to trade anything, just to have him back..how i wish i could beg mr.clock to run counterclockwise.. and how i wish i could stil believe in birthday wishes after it failed me on that very day i wished that for once, birthday wishes may indeed be true..
he was the best ive ever had..my dad..my everything..and used to be, my life..=(

so over it (so sick of you)

you’ve messed up my life not just once - you’ve ruined part of me a  countless times - you’ve made me sick of myself a hundred times over - aren’t you done yet? . when i walked out of ur life i thought ive already saved myslf frm you, that ive already spared myslf frm everything that has something to do with you-
i cant blame people for thinking m not yet over you having them knew everything ive been thru with you- it has always been you- but thats just it - if you cant let go of those memories then just let go of me. .is it too much to ask?
yes, you made me the best at one thing somehow - with you i was at my best in doing this thing which i thought i was only good at - CRYING.
i knw myslf better. at first  i thought it was just pain that conceals all the love i once had for you, but i am wrong.
please dont mess up with me again by scaring those “someones” who could be more deserving of me.
i dont have anything to do with you anymore - im pretty fine & happy  already. if you really cared enough then why cant you just be happy for me?
all this time you’ve been trying to drag me down trying to give me doubts on myslf too, but no,  you’re just making yourself a hopeless pathetic idiot crying over a spilled milk. im already done with you- not for any other reason but simply because the feelings’ just long been gone..
moving on - its my time.
you once had me but you screwed it up. now its no longer my fault if its your time to be in a mess too- its your choice. ive had my share of same misery also &  you’re well-aware of that. isnt it a shame that you’ve screwed me once and now you said you regret it much but just the same you’re still screwing me up?
try to win me back yes you could - but this is the only thing i could ever assure you -  YOU ALREADY LOST ME & FOR THAT,YOU COULD NO LONGER EVER HAVE ME.
i am better off without you so for God’s sake just let me be!

im scared

im scared.
love hit me the second time around i guess -
im just too scared  to embrace it unconditionally.
too scared for myself, for thinking  that something as good as this could really be possible..
“so good yet so true?”
i dont know- i dont really know.
ive been so scared  from the moment i started imagining of a wonderful future & a blissful life with him  from dusk to dawn –  from the very minute i would open my eyes up to the last wee hour of the night where we could spend  just anything&everything together.
fears.fears.fears. and i am just so scared - again.
hope something as good as this could really last forever- i am now tumbling down all the walls i used to build making me vulnerable to all the doubts&fears i could possibly feel - this was unplanned, i never saw it coming, but nevertheless, no regrets at all ..
EVERYTHING IS WORTH ATLEAST A TRY I GUESS.and HE SIMPLY MAKES EVERYTHING WORTH-RISKING FOR- more worthy than these doubts&fears i have inside..

love in tha hands of fate

it was one fateful latenight battle with insomnia- a usual struggle of driving myself to sleep, when i did this very simple gesture which i never thought would really make a big shift in my life.it just all strted with a simple “hi” i made  few months ago.
love indeed is  never really a feasible thing =)
Initially, i was just fond of him, he was  quite so fun to talk with, and  i was almost everything he would never ever want to get involve with,=p. As we both were of the same view, little did we knw that something was already weaving.. there was a sure note of our’s falling for each other with every passing day.. We knew we liked each other but neither did he nor  i show up the mounting feelings we were keeping all along.
We started talking  more often- i love talking to him like i never really felt before with a guy - or atleast not in a long time. He was a tough guy, too much stiff , almost like a heartless harsh  soul- kinda straight-forward and inconsiderate while i was a sarcastic free spirit with a helly care on things. i was  like always ready with a logical answer, “I live in reality, i don’t need people who loves to cause drama in my life -  a practical specie thats so typically me.  Never had i seen it coming. he was a nice guy, had a great sense of humor and the thing i liked in him was that he was sophisticated in a very simple way. He was a perfect example of “simplicity at its best”. We spent good times together, talking all night long  from topics like nonsense stuffs up  to our innermost feelings ( from wacky issues  to serious ones- even sex vs lovemaking? haha). Often we were caught laughing over so silly things and end up realizing were such like dorks and idiots and we cud only care less.
Everything  about him simply amuses me. When I realized all of these, my feelings began to shift - oh wait.. no, i guess its more of the feelings shifted first before i decided to have a change of mind (and heart?hehe)
he simply gave me all the best feelings that i could not even give reason to..
and now i started looking at the stars (even if its always raining here=P)wishing for some silly wishes with eyes closed and with a tight fist on the left while fingers crossed on the ryt haha. my wishlist?: well i think i cud share some:  sleeping at night snuggled next to him or cuddled up so gently and  waking up at nights just to see him sleeping innocently with a cute smile on his face..(so prfect) It wud be very beautiful & heartwarming i know..
We became quite good friends( as a start). I sometimes was a sentimental girl, a complete emotional- wreck.. and alas - i had opened up with him even the most sensitve issues of my life and everything about me.
He was just opposite to me just as i am the opposite of his ideal girl.then he strted teasing me a lot for my “artistic” looks coz of my dressing style.. well, he got lots of styles too  that sometimes just makes me mad though he was nvr really aware of it. he even hurt me at some points without even having a lil idea at all but somehow I never could stay angry on him for more than an hour or so.. I always knew I had those teeny weeny hots for him from day one (hmm?was it day one?haha)..
He was too choosy when it came to his dream girl (she has to have that something over her head - that i even wondered if he was looking for a princess diana reincarnate?haha. According to him, she should be someone kinda all wrapped-up  , whereas here i am, an all too fabby  girl who’s so carefree with whatever she wishes to wear and whatever she wishes to flaunt  - see the difference? haha.. I knew he would never see me as someone he could be with
someday- well thats what i think!.. But not all things could really be predicted and planned. we just cnt forewarn ourslves either, as to what is really in there, days after..
well i did forewarn myslf? it was like a mind over matters of the heart thing?haha I tried my best to snatch myslf away from him but no gains - to no avail i kept on looking at his pic (wahaha).. I used to have these creepy creepy vibes causing goosebumps in me everytime i felt something either so sudden or so
unexplainable or simply just so unacceptable like so yikee and so “baduy” for me - and yet all i could do is sigh*..was it a sort of being in a state of oblivion?(my own style of being the denial queen?haha) but no - its my choice to embrace it..
i just luvit! the teasing games that would last for hours..walking out and turning about face few secnds aftr,haha it was all very sweet sweet and romantic.. It was a good, funny start.. The next days and weeks after, were just simply  great: great  times, great talks, loud hearty laughs- imagining him  like me
hugging him & kissing his neck from behind or those “coded greeny stuffs” we used to share like the not so french suck kiss he said, down to the kkh and bf with kms then rolling over in bed and finally the lm thing,hahaha.. every day is a height.gr, cant totally explain ..it was all spontaneous, nothing planned at all.. this is one of the most passionate things that ever happened to me in a long time.. Well, our days after that very frst night of “simple gesture” , went about even perfectly ( not literally prfct coz we also have our different versions of “topaks”- i just prefer to call it perfect coz thats what&how i felt?[charing,haha].
And the most unexpected yet the best thing that happened- we ended up falling in love with each other knowing all the possible dangers & hassles of such a kind of relationship: complexities,conflicts,differences, clashes, doubts, fears, arguments, petty issues - pasts, girls, k’s & g’s as he said.. but it just didn’t matter to us, all we knew was that I loved him and he loved me.. exchanging sweet nothings and promises just feels so perfect- im scared too cant deny that but im just holding on to this faith that  this unique long-distance relationship will work -just me & him …and i can content myslf on that for now - i know everything else will just follow, im only leaving it all to the hands of fate- ilovehim -  that plain&simple.. and nothing else matters…
Im posting this just to share how wonderful i felt inside - wonderful momnts, wndrful chances, wnderful twist of fate..
Distance just doesnt matter guys, if the love in your heart is true and pure…believe me, i ve been there too - a non-believer of a long distance affair - but ive come to realize that if it indeed makes you happy?then why not give it a shot? happiness isnt like a freebie that u cud just get along with a random item you pick at a store - so might as well hit it back once it hits you - true happiness might just struck once and no “what ifs” could anymore change the course of everything once youve decided to let it flew away =)
for now, I will just be waiting for him .. for “my sundo”..
he is my accidental mentor and this is a lesson i learned by chance: Never underestimate the amazing power of love to change hearts and mindsets. Love can even give fresh inspiration to tackle what seems to be impossible.
mwah !

pretty scar

theloveifoundinyou
0nce in every life, you find the one that’s right..
-he may not be yours to keep, but at least somehow, u knew, that right one really existed and did actually not just pass you by- you’ve even had a grasp of him for a lil while..
you may not be able to have him a lil bit  longer, but you can always keep that best feeling he once gave you. its all yours to keep - nobody can take it away from you. soon you will look back and all you could do is smile - he may have come that quick out of nowhere and then gone in an instant but that sweet smile you earned from those moments when he still used to be around is forever yours to remember.
whatever happens tomorrow, u sure would always count the days u used to share with him and you will forever be thankful for it - coz if it were not for him, you could have been less of the  person you may be in the future because of that lesson you could have missed learning that only him could possibly teach .
yes, you may stumble accidentally but there would always be one particular lesson along with that “pretty scar” u might get.
its not clumsiness- you just sometimes go out of balance and control. no regrets. he was meant to be a piece of your life’s puzzle. just be patient for that second to the last remaining piece (that one missing piece before you)so you could fit in after it-and together you’ll make one good picture of a life’s tapestry that the One up there had woven, for you exclusively. and when that time comes, you could finally say youve found your place — be it by accident or by coincidence, embrace it just the same =)
*i may lose you one day (or have already lost you today), but you will always be a pretty scar for me - one person who used to be at one point of my life-mylife.myeverything..myhipee=)

love for me is..

…just love, it can never be explained.”
..it is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.”
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid ones, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or say hello, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘i dont know with you!’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. but then, you cant help but love&love again..
me? i dont hate love. it may ripped me over and over , but when im already back on track, i will embrace it just the same.
I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me: it is embracing both the bliss and the pain it brings.
i may hate how he makes me feel sick sometimes but i also  love how my knees weaken by just the mere mention of his name=)”
loveyouwee..

the girl behind the wall ( excerpts from my journal entries)

we always tend to build a wall around ourselves to protect us especially if we’ve already been hurt before or still tend to hurt  ourselves everytime we go out of that wall.
LIMPED & CRUMPLED
i had exposed myself to the bitter reality of life at a very young age- i was hurt,so hurt that to be strong is the only choice being left for me.
it is difficult indeed to be crumpled or worst, torn into pieces because the one who would put those pieces back together might take too long or a lil too late.
everyone who said they wil stay, either left or pushed me  away. and everyone who said they love me for real are the ones who caused me too much pain -
i love life, i love “love” ,i just wanna live and love  with the right people with the right perspective . hope i can stil play naive with life that i cud pretend i only knew shallow pain and just like a kid - a simple candy would already wipe the bitterness away. but when emotions are at height we  felt like everyday is a free sunday afternoon - a play day where we could go wild as we can- unrestrained. only to realize how reckless we have been after a bad fall-and then opps, another scar in the making..
and when we’re hurt its so easy to close ourself up.
there was even a time that i turned myself deaf from a yearn of optimism-  on things who have caused me undeniable pain- that the word “unfair” is the only thing left on my mind. but then i realized it wont do me any good. so i learned to weep and endure the pain for a short while -listen to meaningful songs just to let everything out -( music has a great impact on me and listening to my fave songs helps me pour my heart out and makes me think things over. it makes my mind a lil bit sober when emotions are just so enraging. songs relieve me. sad songs may make me feel sick but no doubt, they help me weigh things up). im not the type who wallow up on things for long. i just cry myself all night-just for a night,crawl up in bed, cry myself to sleep and then  the next morning im already good as new=).
JUST SHRUG IT OFF
i once fell and someone came and offered his hand giving me courage to take few tentative steps and assured me that he wont let go. his words were a comfort but as i began to put my weight on that prson trusting him enough, i crumpled again (he’s simply not that strong for me or his strength is not that enough for the two of us).
but hey, i could just shrug it off, i could just rest for a while and then try again though being already limped makes it a lil harder to go on with enough faith. but a lil faith isnt enough to make me grow tired. i may be limped yes, but one slow step at a time would stil get me there.
once i thought  i dnt wanna run anymore & i dont know when wil i ever wanna run again because the memory of my falldowns would always remind me not to run careless and free and one more terrible fall might finally make me retreat to the inner sanctity of my tiny fortress- this wall i built all around me where everytime i tried to tumble down the bricks, the ray of promise simply frightened me. so for quite a while ive built these defenses all thru me -  making me play it cool- but in just a blink of an eye, there i go again, jumping and running carefree and wild. but this time i hardly care - i can always cure my wounds anyway or better yet, have someone mend it for me =)
you fell, got a scar, picked a lesson, played safe for a lil while but then again someone would come and gives you a lil spark of hope and you let him in, only to mess you up again with another terrible fall but always remember, falling down wont kill you. it could only be fatal if you want it to .  ive never been bitter with love even if it brings out my stupid self most of the time.
..i may not be good at love  but if someone is willing to compromise with me, we could master it perfectly together  ..=)
AS LONG AS..
i must say  emotions are a dangerous thing- but its always up to you on how to deal with it- you may choose bitterness or the sweetness of the torment you’ve been into but either way, its just a matter of putting things in perspective- with yourself as the main consideration. wallowing is a thing - but only for a reasonable time. wallow on your tears and fears but be sure to get back on track.
it may be  difficult to find true happiness- one moment you have it and the next moment its gone that it is easier to lock yourself up, but there wil always be  a promise of a  true bliss  out there- just there trying to reach you out- just dont blur yourself with the pain and the hurt youve been undergoing or have undergone, for you to see it, coz you might never know its already on its way that if you tend to turn your back on, it might have passed away without you taking  notice of it.
..as long as there will be mornings for you to greet mr. sunshine, then you will be pretty fine=)

A PART OF ME (he will always be)

Have you ever been with a guy and he seemed to have it all together?
He was caring, loving, generous, always there in an instant whenever you need him and even when you dont. always have his arms ready..willing to stand by you unconditionally.you had such an amazing time together, you even thought you cant live without him and that u dnt wanna imagine what wud be life without him - but you just cnt simply find it in yourself to feel more than that=(
i am a hopeless romantic too i must say - i may be realistic but i was never pessimistic - i stil believe in happy endings..that magical feeling. that thing they call “spark”.that slow-mo effect once you see that certain prson who makes your heart skip a beat. (sigh*) yeah.. and you’re one hell of a lucky human being if even atleast once in your life someone would realize that thing called “magic”=)
anyway, there this “nice guy” in my life who perfectly makes a great companion but i’m simply not attracted to or share a “connection” with?yes, we do click at some aspects  but it wasnt just the “connection” i am looking for. i dont know- maybe i was just busy looking at a far distant that i missed noticing he was just there right in front of me. but, had i felt something so intensed inside?- i wud have taken the risk and gave it a shot..
that intense feeling sorta kinda” connection” is that “magic’s” one ingredient.
I care about him but I cannot simply be with him?(as what he wants us to be). not that he was out of the stndards- he was even more than qualified- grr! what a stupid foolish heart i have(hehe) an idiot that i am=(
and so theres this guy that is like madly in love with me and for some reason I care about him alot, but I cannot see myself with him.. sometimes, “pressure” already creeped inside me coz of the “bond” we are deeply sharing. at first i was just ignoring everything -trying to crack a joke everytime he tends to get serious with everything that’s been goin on between the two of us- I refuse to give in to what seems to be prfct for the two of us. and today, i finally had the courage to lay it all to him..I told him how I felt. and now he’s not talking to me. I told him that I will always have love for him (just not the kind he has been longing for from me). I still want to be friends with him. i dont wanna lose him - but if needed be - as what the situation dictates then, who am i to hold him back when i dnt even have anything to offer? unrequited love as they say are the ones most hurting - yes i know that. and i care for him enough not to hurt him more-
i pray that one day, i hope i will find it in my heart to reciprocate with that amazing love he has for me- but well, i just dnt know when is that and how long he can wait and it wud be selfish for me to ask him to do so, either. he cant just wait forver? and i just cant force myslf to make things happen sooner? a prayer that he might thank me one day for doing this to him might be a lil bit simpler..
* this is one of my random journal entries i made long before i met my hipee..*
now i am feeling the same as what he used to feel for me ( just that its with another man) - and he said he’s happy for me .. i know he’s happy now too(and m more than happy for him).. well, life always has its own way to patch things up- no need to rush things.no need to force urself. just let it be for quite a time. see? all’s well that ends well=)

woke up today

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life,love gives us a fairy tale..

Have you ever felt “magic” with a man? Like when the connection you and the guy share is so strong that something inside you just tells you’ve got something real and special. That connection and chemistry is almost impossible to describe to someone who doesn’t have it, but it’s even more impossible to ignore when you’ve got it. Even if you have second thoughts  if the guy is really the right one for you to feel that way, but you can’t stop thinking about him and the connection - it’s like a spell over you (spellbound without a choice=p).

my my, you’d even put any drug in shame with that feeling of natural high.. =p

Infatuation, crushes, connections, chemistry or even the “L” word.
That’s right, LOVE.
At one time or another, one of these have had almost-if not exctly magical powers over you that make you see, feel and act in ways you never would have before.it makes you feel like all your saved-up wishes started coming out.
it makes you speechless over the edge.it gives you sleepless nights- it’s even like a pimple popping out of nowhere - and only when you face the mirror that morning that you’d realize you should have forced yourself to sleep earlier =p
along with it are some issues but you hardly care-
hay, lovebug (again)- it hit me like a ray of sun ( i thought im already way past this kinda “hiscul” phase - that m already off to a next level of interaction with opposite gender [echus])hehe.

*sigh..
i may be confused about a lot of things right now but i knw the only time im truly&most happy is when im with you. Your love as far as I can see is all I’m ever gonna need. I love you. that’s all I really need to know. I love you for who you were, who you are and who you always will be. and could i like quote a line frm former miss USA? =p
‘Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You’d tell me this was love.
It’s not the way I hoped
Or how I planned
But somehow it’s enough.
- Vanessa Williams, “Save the Best for Last”=)

thanks van! haha!

loveyudady=)

rainbows & butterflies

i am a fan of every lovestory i come across with. i never feel envy with those people in love: sweet, silly-looking  and all-too mushy. they in fact make my heart melt. such a good sight to see - couples holding hands and simply looking at each other.
but then - reality check!
love isnt just about rainbows and butterflies..It’s the rare couple (even not what u call normal) who doesn’t, sooner or later, run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time what those relationship problems can be, you’ll have a much better chance of weathering the storm. but, there wud be lots of issues - from basic to complicated ones, that even when you do discuss things beforehand,it is stil sometimes nothing like you think it’s going to be.
(my viewpoint): Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts like “do I love him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we do for him. All the ways we express our love and how much time and effort we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure out if he is giving an equal amount back. If we perceive a discrepancy in that balance sheet its when insecurities start ruling over us . hu loves being played for a fool anyway?
so here’s a thing –act on your intuition with the “Long-Term” In mind. women have tough instincts as experts say=) while men can be the worst communicators when it comes to their feelings, emotions and intentions around love and relationships.
just undrstand each other’s prsonal values,learn to listen & try to avoid argumnts (just try, but dnt feel bad if u cnt help it sometimes- its prfctly nrmal), give&take, share ur feelings, develop trust. have much good times as you can- for it is those “goodies” that wud help you hold and cling on during shaky and rocky times..
“Love is like an earthquake-unpredictable, a little scary, but when the hard part is over you realize how lucky you truly are.”
it is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with him more than any other person. it  is trusting that someone  enough to tell him everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of.
“Love is saying ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘You’re wrong.’”
fights.fights.fights. yes sometimes helplessly it makes you think of quitting- and saying goodbye is simply the thing you think is easier. but there’s no easy way out- when ur already there- wrapped up with that silly but oh-you-just-luv-it intensified feeling called LOVE.
but u shud even feel lucky instead- to have known someone
who is so hard to say goodbye to.
better yet, love him when he least deserve it, because you never know, that is when he really needs it.
its ok to be stupid - he can be at some point too anyway- and it wud be  much of a  fun being stupid together =P
as quoted from a muvi: If your not willing to sound stupid,
you’re not worthy of falling in love.
-”A Lot Like Love”.
It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make them interesting. No ones perfect. It’s when you see past the imperfections that you call it love.
“Every man is afraid of something. That’s how you know he’s in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.” and thats a sign! never ever let go- he is
the kind of person hu is stil worth sticking with, that even when the sun turns grey, you cud stil console urslf that the sun stil shines anyway? even if it shines out his ass=p
that same prson hu luvs u for exctly hu u r. good mood. bad mood.ugly. pretty.
and the main reason why you love him is  because…- he is him!=)
[i am more than lucky&proud to have you 'occhio] =)

until there was him

.. not loving kept me safe, safe from people leaving..
-until there was him..
falling in love with him? i really had no control over.
and then i love him.. i love him for the part of me that he brings out.
i was asked if i cud imagine a time when id ever not wanted to be with him.. and i guess the answer is never. no, not guess, i am pretty sure=)
he came into my life so wonderfully..
it may be  a truth universally acknowledged that when a part  of your life is going so preciously, it is quite devastating when it falls into pieces spectacularly & unexpectedly.
but i am no longer scared..he may break me one day (unintentionally) but i know— i wud be broken beautifully..
i just love this man so much that  having him simply made me perfectly happy..and it is more than enough for me already..

hipeeness

how i’d give anything in the world to experience this=)
Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see him in his most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. He breathes as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but his own. You smile, kiss his face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake him. You turn back around and involuntarily a grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and in this moment, you know it doesn’t get any better than this…
iloveyoumorethantheworldcouldeverknow ..

`ipo

did u know her favorite colors or that shes

terrified of the dark? and that shes really vulnerable?

that she cant sleep without loads of pillows next to her,

Or everytime she thinks of you she smiles?

did u know theres way to much drama in her life?

and sometimes she has to fake the smile on her face?

did u know she hates arguing but shes good at it,

and that she hates to go a day without talking to you?

Or that she hates it that people can say one

thing but feel a totally different way?

and did u ever take the time to realize that your her everything?

did u ever think twice about how much she really loves u?

wEe

love isn’t about the hugs, the kisses, the flowers or the gifts. it’s about how you feel when you are with that person. the feeling that you are on top of the world and, because of that feeling, every sensation is hightened. the scents seem sweeter, the colors brighter, the sounds even seem more melodic. the world as a whole becomes so much more beautiful. when you’re with that person, it’s as if the rest of the world disappears - they are the only thing that matters. you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, even if it doesn’t seem possible at the time. when you get into fights, your stomach flips and you feel as though your whole world has changed. the ground underneath you literally feels unsteady, and it’s like everything around you comes crashing down — and you can’t stand the pain. but these moments.. although you may both be hurt at the time.. tears may be shed, hateful words may be spoken… but eventually you will learn from these experiences. at the time, looking into their eyes, which no longer sparkle but instead are filled with tears they too are trying to hold back — it may feel as though you’re going down this dark, endless tunnel that you’ll never reach the end of… but eventually you will find the light. that moment comes when you two realize that the person means so much more to you than whatever you were arguing about and, unbelievably, you find that you love the person even more, as impossible as that sounds.

all that i am

I’m the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she’s sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you…
I’m the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive resturant…
I’m the girl who says,”ok, but you owe me…” jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you…
I’m the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you…
I’m the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in his arms…
I’m the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me…
I’m the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have…
I’m the girl who once I let you into my heart, there’s always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I’m the girl who never forgets you.
I’m the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss…
I’m the girl who you can talk to about anything…
I’m the girl who laughs at your jokes…
I’m the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one…
I’m the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends…
I’m the girl who will listen to you talk…
I’m the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up…
I’m the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason…
I’m the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead..
I’m the girl who loves you for you, and doesn’t care what other people say about us…
I’m the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend…
I’m the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word…
..and i am the girl who is truly madly and deeply inlove with you..=)

be random

In life I have learned–>That to get what U want, U must take risks. U must not be scared to fall in love, because I have experienced the feeling of being in love & it is above all the greatest feeling ever. U must not be scared of losing that special person & just live in the moment and not think about what could happen. I believe that everything happens for a reason & have learned that if it is meant to be it will all work out in the end. Never hold back, dont regret anything that made u smile, be random, smile, laugh, kiss, hug, live life in the moment, and above all love with all Ur heart*
the usual me is a one hell of a worrier everytime i start to take things seriously ( i can only be carefree if i cud stil handle things my way like there’s no room for topsy-turvies), but i realized i myt be pushing that person away becoz of such worries that i tend to nag at him sometimes and that myt only cause pressures to the both of us. think not what u shud do if you lose him, but think what u must do in order not to lose him. so i guess i just have to embrace what i have now and let tomorrow worry itself.. i have him. its already more than enough for me to content myself now and for me to survive until tomorrow ..

alliversary

Loving has two phases. First: Loving the person because of who he/she is. Second: Loving the person despite who he/she is not. The first sparks love. The second one makes it last.
meeting him the first time? no sign of spark at all.no putting of best foot forward. and after  knowing who he really is?with the “topaks” and all? i wish it was already an excuse enough to convince myself not to take another step forward and fall so hard. but i guess its really  meant to be when even the times you can’t stand him, he’s still the only person on your mind.
he just walked in and made you  realize why it nvr worked with anyone else before.
i was at first confused. battling with what i feel against what i really think but in the end, love isn’t about who is better with who, what he’s got on, and how many abs he’s got under his shirt. Its neither about neglecting your life and everyone in it before he came around, nor about losing your priorities and
giving up your pride. Love is understanding each other’s backgrounds, being there for someone when you don’t have to, staying  up for the other even if yougotta get up early the next day, its about laughing and taking care of each others heart, not walking away the second things aren’t perfect like they seem to be in the movies.  you get into the biggest fights with the people you care about the most because those are the relationships that you’re willing to fight for  because truth of the matter is, if you work at something, and do it together, push each others limits and love harder, it’s better than the movies, and it
feels better too.  When you truly care for someone, you don’t look for faults. You don’t look for answers. You don’t look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes. You accept the faults & you overlook excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you’ll meet the person you love & who loves you in return. So once you have it, don’t ever let go. The chance might never come your way again.  yeah very rare. rare person,rare chance, and rare moment that sometimes u even never expct it. like mine..its when i stopped looking for love to take a rest that it found me. he was  everything I was looking for, when I wasn’t even looking. and mine was a case of gradually beginning to love him and never know exactly when it happened. i never knew that someone would come along. a fateful  day i never knew my whole world is about to change but i couldn’t exactly remember when it actually changed. yes it changed  the day when i told myself that ive finally  fallen for him but the question is when was that day?  it was just like as if a switch has been flickered somewhere, and the person who was just a total stranger  is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.  and then all of a sudden  all those cheesy love songs you used to make fun of started to make sense.funny isn’t it?   at first i was so in denial with everything and i must admit, ive been guilty for quite a time. guilty for thinking that it might not work and for somewhat praying the feelings will just go away. well   I guess I’m just scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared of hurting someone else. but what the heck, i am most scared of missing the chance of having someone who cud make me the happiest that ive never been.. and after the  hardships, fights and craps weve been through all this time, after discovering each other’s flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces each other  with so much love,
knowing you at your worst- and still think you’re the best, was when i realized that ive found a love that is worth keeping for the rest of my life.
it doesnt matter whether you share a minute, a month, or a lifetime with him is uncertain, but the fact that you found that person, even if for a moment, means more than the lifespan life allows you to have with him.
but what if finding the love of your life means changing the life that you love?
I use to think I knew myself. I had every scenario planned out. that i wont change a bit of myself for any person and for any reason. but when he tried to?  I complied.
well i dont and wont actually mind if it wud mean  waking  up next to him  every morning..(soon)..and having him fall asleep in my embrace  with his arm  wrapped around my  waist while peacefully breathing on my  chest..and i cud only say, i wont trade this for anything in the world..

..advance happy “ALLiversary” dad =)

sweet nostalgia

i am writing this just to let out everything at the moment .. and lessen the pain atleast.i am hurting.. and the pain is just too much to bear. i dont have anyone to turn to. the rest of the world is already dreaming while here i am , in a nightmare while wide awake..its past 3 in the morning ..i just slept the whole day and now i am again back to this nightly routine for 3 nights now.. no not just for 3 nights, ive been like this all this time, just these past nights had some twist..i miss my dad and my dady..sooo badly..the former can be consoled coz theres nothing i can do about it anymore .. what hurts the most is the latter.  its his choice not mine. his choice to make me suffer and learn the lesson  this way. and i guess i found the very lesson of it - i have to fix myself first. i have become an emotional wreck lately that i tend to snap it out on other people, pointing blames and regret it later.it was all my fault i know.i am so sorry for reacting on impulse. i am just so scared that all i need is for you to understand.. i am not totally healed yet i guess.. from everything.. that even my home is haunting me. the past is running after me. i cannot even find solace in the four corners of my room..loud music, big pillows over my head, shout out loud and cry my heart out..i am tired.. my head felt like cracking already.. my eyes could hardly see the letters i am typing.. its already painful and too much puffed.. cant fight the tears and it sucks tasting it..there was this person who made me feel that i am never alone ( only for the meantime) but i guess i am being unfair for holding on to him too much because of that loneliness.he can only give me  light so its unfair to ask him for the sun.
i am sorry for this mess i got you into. i am sorry for not being the best of me when you found me..
i am realy wrecked inside..totally broken.. i guess i need to go away first and get that old Chelly back. that old me everyone used to love. the complete me.  it wud be too much of an unfairness if i try to be whole again thru somebody. i cant ask him to understand me all the time while i am fixing myself up.. now i know why i am having a hard time sharing a part of me with someone else. i always have hold bars. maybe its because how could an incomplete me impart herself to somebody who doesnt even know which part of her is ruined..  i miss my old self too.. and it hurts like hell.. that to withdraw from the world is my only choice.. nobody really knew me.. i even confuse myself sometimes. i wanna keep myself busy but i am just tired of pretending when at the end of the day, the shadows are still there.. i am sorry for dragging you into this.i love you so much that it hurts me more knowing i hurt you too..sorry for the doubts.. so sorry for everything..u just made me realize one thing. its not about you. neither about someoneelse nor other people. there’s nothing wrong with the world either . its me..the depths of me .. and for that i need to go away. i dont know until when and where this would take me but id be pretty fine i know. it just takes time.. no one can heal me but me and myself alone.. it would be unfair to offer you the second best of me only..this isnt goodbye yet.. i just need to find my old self back.. and maybe.. just maybe.. after that- u could love me better- the whole of me..

glass splinter

sometimes, when you are used to a life getting all the love and attention you want, when u feel so much adored by the people you love and even the people around you, that when you find one person who doesnt make you feel exactly the same, you tend to get a lil edgy. and its either u cud just shrug your shoulders or  raise a brow and say who cares? he’s not a lose anyway? but what if you then realized that he is not just anybody and his comforting attention simply matters a lot? that u have to bend ur rules and give in to what is must– if he  cant spoil you  as what  others usually do?then, it must be you who shud do the twist of what was used to be. just that, it makes you feel somewhat defiant why on earth you have to do that? the answer is simple i know- you are just helplessly inlove that’s why. but then, the thought of it is like a termite eating your thoughts up or a glass splinter working its way to ur heart–  always defying yourself- a battle of u against yourself why u must do that in the first place? and why him of all  people? you’ve already dealt with what you thought as tough ones in the past.. charmed them out, and had them live with ur standards and so what makes him a difference? is it just fate’s way of telling you that youve only had the tough .. that there’s stil  this tougher one who ought to be ur kyrptonite just like superman’s?

and it just makes you so feeble..so helpless.. why cant you just be the normal you and not give it  a damn? but well, you love the man anyway? its a good consolation enough so i guess i just have to let it be.. i cant say i am a beggar here .but if needed be, i wont mind.. and for that i know, that beggars cant be choosers.. so i guess i just have to loosen up and be contented of what i have and what i am getting .. bottomline: love is after all, still that matters..

[ mushy as it cud be but that's a fact =) ]

scary scary night

last night was one of my most terrifying nights ever. was scared the hell outta my wits. and i couldn’t even remember anymore the last time i felt that way. i suck @ myself ( i suck i suck!).. and i never felt that horrible for long- not for the last few years.

i don’t know if what i am saying makes sense or gonna make sense. but have you ever felt the fear being on the verge of losing something so precious and u know it would feel like losing a limb when it happens and u know your life is about to turn upside-down after that? feels like your struggling to grab  for something to hold on to coz your already about to fall on a high cliff? for sure u wouldnt wanna be in the same situation.. but i had just survived one today. well, not literally of same scenario but exactly of same feeling, or even worse. worse than being caught by your dad sneaking out or being late for your curfew or being grounded. worse than a kid being spanked for a lil secret she’s been keeping coz she knew her dad would be mad like hell and might forget she’s still her little baby ..and she cud only promise she  would never ever behave same way again and promise to all heavens she would do better next time..

i was horrified. felt like i took something and i am being asked for the price without having even a single penny in my pocket! felt like being given a favor and couldn’t afford what’s being asked in exchange! i felt like banging my head on the wall or diving then hit rock bottom. and i could only wish for –i dont know! the girl with so much pride and an all too bratty suddenly felt like a dope of herself! well, its like she just took her  own doze of medicine and  almost got overdozed !

it felt like i just lost a multi-million dollar deal. i was the perfect example of being lost and dont know what to do - but was only sure of one thing. i dont wanna lose it. not now not ever. i dont wanna lose something as precious as that in just a snap and for reason thats not even worth it. well, how cud i be stupid thinking it was just nothing.. as if i just omitted one bit of cookie from mom’s cookie jar..

it was really one traumatic  “scene” of a nightmare and  i sure dont wanna go same “screenplay” again.. no way..
soreee..:o luvyamore po!!!
[ but i felt kinda weird though..this is so not me =p]

pretty lass

Beauty,
unspoiled perfection,
beautiful hair,
big boobs,
flat stomach,
perfect legs,
perfect skin.

PERFECT, perfect, perfect.

That is what people live for these days. Girls are the ones who get affected by imperfection the most. You would be surprised of the extreme situations some girls go through just to achieve perfection, beauty and acceptance by their society. The hardship to put on make up in the morning, the hardship to iron their curly hair until its perfectly straight or curl those  straight ones and the hardship to keep up with fashion. Until I realized a couple of days ago upon bouncing over an article of a magazine  that all of that really doesn’t matter. a realization that  natural beauty is stil the best. something you don’t get with clothes and makeup and plastic surgeries. my boyfriend made me realize that too for quite a time now. and i must say i have done a pretty good adjustment already- like trying to dress down and find more comfort in simple tees.. though i stil find it a bit hard sometimes since i am used to those kinda updressing i used to do and i cudnt just clean my closet inside out and outside in, in just a snap (talking of budget - the cost of a total wardrobe change hehe).. my friends teased me that i cant stand with it that long and that i wud stil go back to the old style i loved. that this is just for the season.. well, i dont know. or i dont think so.. yeah i wud stil dress up of course (who wudnt?) for needed occasions why not? but i am talking of the normal day-to-day life we constantly deal with

i dont really have much beauty regimen.. im glad i dont. coz it wud mean another budget allocation (cudnt afford one). but one thing about me is that i used to hate my eyes. well, not really hate. but sorta wish for a bigger one hehe. but then i realized too, why shud i? it speaks a lot about my personality in the first place? the strong-willed person that i am :p these “chinita” eyes that cud pierce one’s soul when i am mad..

another thing. some defines beauty as happiness or even associates it with love. but i think its the other way around. love defines everything. and when we say everything, that of course doesn’t exlude beauty and happiness =) dont you wonder girls that when we’re in love?we felt as if were the prettiest lass in town ? and it simply elates us to the highest level of happiness we cud ever possibly feel i am not surprised with these facts though. i am happy right now. seeing myself in the mirror every morning with that special glow in my face, i cud only say.. i am in love and i cudnt feel any happier & more  beautiful than this:)

well, what i just wanna point out girls is that

be more than just a pretty face..

smart more than sexy

respected more than praised

dignified more than popular

and a woman more than a man’s girl

( because that way u’d have a better chance of having him for keeps )

radiant loverays

You’re right, we will fight, a bunch of times, about millions of things. Maybe today we jokingly fight about who loves more, but tomorrow I know we’ll fight about something we really feel passionate about. But it’s how you hear me out even if you disagree, or how I shut up and listen to how you feel that gets us through anything. We don’t make walking away an option, and once you do that, working it out is mandatory, and that feels good, because lately, I’m starting to realize everything else is transitory. Everyone searches for something permanent, and they all want to know the secret of how to make something last, and it is so simple: don’t give up, work at it, listen, and love, love harder than ever before, love with everything you’ve got, with your heart and soul, with your passion. The secret sounds so straightforward and so obvious, and many start to question if that really is the secret, and I always wonder, why do people always expect things to be so easy? Love is never easy obviously, but when you’re in it, you gotta work at it, that should be a given, working at something is what makes it worth it, and if it’s worth it, then it’s not really a secret at all, is it? No, it’s not a secret, when you’re shining inside and out, and everyone else is blinded by your radiant loverays.. ;]

blessed --

“one day there’s gonna be that one person
that walks into your life and at that moment
your eyes meet, the moment your lips touch,
the moment your hands hold one another,
you just know in your heart that you two
were meant to be together. to grow old together,
have a family with, spend every special moment
with each other, stick with each other through
the good, bad and ugly times and to never give up
on the love you have been blessed with.”
– blessed to have found him..

my heart's deepest desire

To be loved. To find someone who I can grow old with, have children with. To find someone who will open my eyes, so each day would be an adventure, with him there to guide me, introducing new thoughts and ideas to my mind. Someone who will be spontaneously romantic, when I feel romance is dead. Someone who would notice all that I do. Someone who would go to hell and back for me. Someone who will hold me, gaze into my eyes, and make me feel wanted, needed. That is my heart’s deepest desire ..
*** hmm.. thanks for being my perfect hipeeness dad ..

for my mcdreamy dady

It’s not
just you
it’s the idea
of you
the idea of love
to rub my hands
across your back
to kiss you
knowing
what no one else
knows about you
seeing you
at your weakest
moments
because you’re
delicate
your smile
your strong hugs
it’s the idea of
you
that makes
my
stomach
tingle.
*winkywink :-* luvyuh dad!

one of my ipo's kind

if you’re a girl, read this. if youre a guy, learn from this=]

at lunch, I listened into a conversation of 3 guys. a girl with a ton of makeup walked by and the first guy said, “wow, she has a pretty face.” the guy next to him then said “yeah, i think so too.” but the third guy stayed quiet. after a little while, he said “yeah, i guess so.. but she looks like a clown with all of that makeup.” I was kind of amazed, and wanted to know who the guy with enough guts to admit the truth and prove to me that not all guys are the same was, but i didn’t get the chance to see his face.
i guess this just goes to show you that there is hope out there…somewhere.
and yes, this ACTUALLY happened=]
P.S. my dady hates make-up too [for me]haha.

fighting an uphill battle

My family is fighting an uphill battle right now.Mom’s sick. She’s been undergoing treatment and medication which she utterly hates.

she hates taking medicines.she dreaded going to the hospital.the medication for her is a physiological, mental and psychological torture altogether. she’s so weak and her health declines so fast. she’s feeling off and having a hard time doing things by herself.she hardly eats, her appetite loss is making things worse.  i know shes feeling awful she just kept it inside and does not complain most of the time.
one morning shes able to get off the bed and shower and eat and the next shes down again.  its so sickening to get msgs or calls frm my sister that shes having chills again. fever. didnt eat. vomits.

she often rants  about how she hates taking those unpleasant-tasting and stomach-wrenching pills  .she sometimes pretend to be ok just to excuse herself from  taking those. i painstakingly explain to her each medication shes taking and its effects if shes gonna stop taking even one of them.
its so sickening for me to see my mom that way.
we are wavering against unfavorable circumstances and i myself is struggling against my fears.
It is human nature, denial, when something threatens us.wish i could just sleep and sleep. or stay away from her. at first i only prefer to wait for my sisters’ updates instead of looking after her personally. its really difficult for me to experience this again. ive been thru a lot when my dad got sick too. weve been thru  the same and  we lost.and now im scared of losing again. its so hard to see a sick loveone.

I think what I did was some form of defense mechanism. Denial. That I dont wanna see her like that.to see her sick and so weak. ive always known her to be a very strong woman. shes been thru the hardest and toughest battles and ordeals.i don’t even remember my mom  ever being sick when i was  growing up! she cant even believe shes sick and how she got it. shes been asking me what are its causes or what cud have she done to have acquired it.
wish i could just go on thinking that my mom is a wonderwoman.invincible. i wont mind seeing her so  rough on things rather seeing her so weak.the not so typical of her.
wish i could take from her all the sufferings
I love her so much that my system shut off in reaction to her current state because it threatens me, that it worries me so much, that maybe if I don’t pay much attention to it, it will go away.
i even felt that im unconsciously pushing her to be strong and act strong.to recover as quickly as possible, partly for selfish reasons.so id be assured that she’d be ok. and the next day id be seeing her as healthy as before and back to her normal routine. . I guess that is a normal way to cope, no matter to which side we lean.
sometimes i hate the fact of being the youngest and more so a “menopausal” one.i wont mind being the eldest and looking after my younger siblings. i am willing to compromise the spoiling of a youngest, of being the family’s baby ,just to spend a much longer time with your lovedones esp ur parents. i know i have my shortcomings too. for always being away, for preferring to stay  far from them but as long as i know they’re healthy and ok, that we are all healthy ,then im ok as well.

mothers don’t get sick, do they? theyre not even supposed to take a day off.

but oh well, this is where I need to fill myself with truth and keep up with things before it will all be too late. i need to be strong for her.
u cant blame me though.  it’s just that when your mother is so amazing, you can’t help but believe she is battery powered or something.

i dont wanna feel sorry about this. coz i know HE has  His reasons. i dont even wanna utter the word  “unfair”. coz  i have no single right to question His will.

i just wish HE shall grant me a broader perspective on this- His second strike.
i am scared of losing . but scary as an unknown future can seem, so long as i am  in motion, then i  can hope that tomorrow will be a bit better. we can get past thru this, i know. i hope.i pray.

was it worth it?

sometime things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles you would have never realized your true potential, strength, willpower, or heart.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
The success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you will become. Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things.
Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen… Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.
Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish…..Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.
Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday…. Was it worth it?

blue xmas

it’s my first Christmas having no mom and dad anymore.must i call myself an orphan now? ;-( that fact hasn’t sank in me yet. it’s stil heart-wrenching at times. life must go on they say. and more often than not, that cliche is just easier said than done.i had proven it so many times already. yeah there may be people who had kept me goin. got a wonderful boyfriend, supportive sisters & bros in law, my nephews and nieces who never fail to cheer me up. but things are no longer in its usual place it seems.the usual comfy place i never thought would change. everything  doesn’t seem to fit anymore. i had no idea, not even a little inkling  that my life would, in a snap, turn upside down. but who the hell i think i am? exempted and immuned from such waves of change i kept on denying?
i know there’s a positive side in everything thats been happening, i just couldnt seem to figure it out, not yet. or if i did, m having a damn hard time accepting it.i know i have to accept it whether i like it or not. its REALITY. and i know that even if sometimes  reality is the hardest to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize, but have to embrace it no matter what. “THY WILL BE DONE”.

take that

got an exam tomorrow. as i was already in the near-end part of studying, i felt hungry. got some fud to stuff my starved tummy and turned on the cd. BACK FOR GOOD by take that was the first song it played as the player was in a shuffled mode. (sigh*) im supposed to be minding nothing but my credit transactions & quasi contract “studybles” but i gotta stop and sit back for a while.
the song hit me. again. i just realized that all this time, the song only meant to me as one of my father’s faves, only now that it came to me how i could exactly relate to it already.i want him back for good. well , minus that “lipstick mark” line as i am referring to my dad.
when he left, i absolutely “got a fist of pure emotion” ( of deep sorrow), “got a head of shattered dreams”, though i know i “gotta leave it all behind now”  i just wanna say  “whatever i said whatever i did i didnt mean it” i am sorry for everything i wasnt able to say or do when u were stil here.. you will always be that wind beneath my wings i used to tell you..
i am willing to  trade anything i got and everything i am, just to have u back for good. if only i could, i would. definitely will.
i know someday somewhere. “we’ll be together, and that time is gonna be forever”.
im not giving up on my dreams coz i know its your dream too.for me. you will always be that tough but sweet guy whom i love being spoiled with.
you will always be in my heart. every step of the way. towards the realization of everything we had planned for. im gonna make you proud as much as how proud i am of you. xtend my best rgrds to mom. i am missing you both so much.