i am in pain

Sometimes when u thought you almost got everything and that there’s nothing else you ought to be but be happy, just when reality strikes — THAT YOU REALLY AREN’T WHAT U THINK U R..
that you aren’t just not as happy as what u think..
how i wish m just like any other typical girl who wud just worry their lovelives, what they’re gonna wear the next day, how do they look, whats gonna be the next color of their nails, their hairstyle, where’s the next night-out or simply worry if the guy they like likes them back?..
wishes..
wishes wishes..
my life’s just too complicated. the more i  tried to get untangled the more the knot gets tighter.
i dnt want the world to see me like this..
why cant i just be simply happy?
i am scared..just so scared..
that because of this fear i tend to get overprotective of myself and worst, i tend to hurt the people who just cared for me a lot..
i miss my dad..
i stil cry at night.. i fear being alone but i think its the only way to make me feel safe..
it makes me feel bad instead, when people tell me they envy my life..they dont knw..they just dnt knw..
sometimes, i hate myself when i laugh out loud. so tired with such hypocrisy..
i know a lot of people love me, i can always feel i am loved.. and i love them back for that..
i just cnt let go of myself and embrace them back for being there for me..
i just cnt simply be there for them too..
i wanna be home..but i wanna know first where that home is..i just dont know..
all i know is i only have myself, i only got me to lean on..
i know i have pushed a lot of people away  when all they wanna do is stay and be with me..
but until i learn to love myself a lil more and can finally say i love “me” more than anybody else? then, this way i have to stay.
i thought i have always known what i really want .but im absolutely wrong . just so wrong..
i die a lil everyday..
something’s just pulling me through..
i wanna be in loud places [ just to forget everything] but i hate being there too.. i hate those people who could only care less with what the world’s gonna say..
i felt so bad everytime i convince myself that i can always manage and just let those people come and go.. how i wish i could have at least the tiniest guts to ask them to stay even just for a lil while.. i just cant.. it gives me the creeps thinking they could possibly be happier somewhere else and i am just holding them back.. when in fact all they want is simply be with me?
and the more i drive them away, the more they keep on coming back , and the more they keep coming back, the more scared i felt?
i just cant handle the truth.. the truth that i can also be happy with them..
just dont know how to deal with it..
i just contain myself with the idea that a fleeting moment with someone is already enough when there could have been  more to that..
.. everything just keeps on haunting me..
i dont know why i am writing these all..i dont even understand what i really feel coz all i wanna understand is how must i feel..
this couldnt be happening but too bad it is..
this is just the reality of me..
and i am in pain.. with one deep cut inside.. ; (